Friday, July 29, 2016

I'm Living The Dream

I've always considered myself a dreamer.  When I was young, I dreamed of Halloween and the plethora of candy I would receive.  As a teenager, I dreamed of what life in college would be like.  In college, I dreamed about what married life would be like.  And when I was first married, I dreamed of what life with kids would be like.  I dreamed of what it would feel like to buy our first home.  I dreamed of what it would be like to having paying clients for my photography business.  I dreamed of what it would be like to have occasional preschool classes in my home.  And so forth.

As a dreamer, my mind tends to live in the future.  Complete happiness is delayed.  You know the moments when you think, "I'll be happy when _______."  Yeah, those thoughts come into my mind all of the time.  I struggle with living in the now... enjoying what I have... and not just longing for more.

I really don't have anything to complain about, but yet I do find myself complaining about the mundane day to day things.  Things like cleaning up the kitchen, getting the kids to eat their dinner, and just getting my day started.  I am so not a morning person and tend to not be the most pleasant person when I don't get enough sleep.  But yeah, I really have to work at being more grateful.  Reading positive quotes and writing my favorites down in my notebook make me feel good.  Writing in my journal helps me to slow down my mind and really think about the great life that I had.

I have a really quick mind and my thoughts come spewing out of my brain much more quickly than I could ever speak them.  That's why I like typing.  I can type a lot faster than writing things down by hand.

Anyway, so what is the dream I'm living now?!  Let me go back to the time when Sam and I were first married.  At that point in my life, I dreamed of what life would be like to have our own home filled with our own children.  What would it feel like to be a mother?  How would my love grow?  What personalities would each of my children have and what would they teach me?  What would our home be feel like to those who enter it's walls?

I can't speak for others, but instead only discuss what I hope my home feels like to those who enter.  (I love how we live on the edge of town in the last stretch of suburbia, before it turns into farmland, in a corner house in the middle of the street.)  I hope those who enter our home feel loved and accepted just they way they are.  I hope our home feels like a safe haven.  A place where celebrations take place.  A place where making mistakes is okay.  A place where you can have fun and just be yourself.

To be a mother... what does it feel like to me?  It feels like a roller coaster ride.  Highs and lows.  Some of the highs:
     - when my baby girl runs up to me, gives me the biggest hug and says, "Mommy, I love you!"
     - when my oldest daughter laughs with glee as she learns to pump her legs just right to swing "super high"
     - when my youngest boy wants to "snug" (snuggle up and watch a little tv) before bedtime and still gives me hugs and kisses.
     - when my oldest son confides in me, still likes to hang out with me, and is totally okay with holding my hand in public

Some of the lows:
     - when you didn't get nearly enough sleep, you don't feel well, and you still have a long day ahead of you
     - when you feel all accomplished on cleaning your house and it gets destroyed in well under 24 hours.
     - when you loose all privacy in the bathroom.  Your master closet is your favorite hide out and where you keep your emergency stash of survival candy.

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